So the first IPL came to an end last week. I mean first IPL after I started writing my blog which makes this IPL even bigger than the actual first IPL which was won by the great West Indian side lead by Clive Lloyd in 1975. Or was it won by the Invincibles of 1948 led by Sir Donald Bradman? Ha, who cares! All that matters is who won the first IPL after I started writing my blog. However I am not writing about the winning team or its performance or why it won or how it won and blah blah blah. I am not doing so for two reasons. First, a lot has already been written about all that and second, I have no clue how KKR won and that is so because all through the IPL I was hardly watching cricket. I mean it’s not my fault. It is just that there were too many distractions for me to concentrate on the cricket. Thus I decided to make a list of all such distractions (or not) which need to be carefully, almost with a surgical precision, removed from the IPL to make sure that a self-proclaimed cricket expert like me can actually concentrate on the cricket and later give some gyan to his nonexistent followers in his imaginary virtual duniya. I know nobody is going to do any sort of surgery on IPL but then preparing a list is always fun so here it goes.
1) Cheer leaders In Sarees:
Seriously what the fuck was that? Cheerleaders in sarees. I mean there should be a limit to customization. Indians should know where to stop. Customizing Subs and McBurgers and Hollywood blockbusters to cater to the taste of Indians was alright. But customizing cheerleaders was just too much. No Mr. Roy we don’t like girls signaling fours and sixes in sarees. We don’t even fancy girls signaling fours in skirts but then we never care for what their hands are doing when they are in skirts. This is a western concept, let it be western. Don’t try to indianize it. And if you do then make sure that the girls you choose are not so pissed off about not being able to flaunt their flesh that it is written all over their overly done faces.
2) Couches in the field:
What is it, a fucking mujra? If you cannot fit into a VIP lounge seat then stay at home and watch your team, inherited by you from your mother gifted to her by your father so that you and she can stay off his back for at least 2 months in a year, from the comfort of your personal home theater which is probably bigger than the stadium itself. We just cannot tolerate couches in the field. It’s a sports field. It’s a place for athleticism and agility and speed and skills and a couch is a symbol for everything that kills all those qualities. So please leave your couches at your 27 storied mansion while coming to an IPL match.
3) Strategic Timeouts:
I always wonder what strategies are made during those 2 and half minutes that cannot be made before the match. Well I am not exactly sure about the strategies but I do imagine the conversations during those 150 seconds. I mean in a match where Gayle is in full form, this how a strategy time conversation must be like for the fielding team, “Hey dude you just got hit for 5 fucking sixes in an over. How does that feel?” “Whatever man at least I was not hit for a 110 m six like you were hit for one in the last match.” And in a match where Steyn is throwing his missiles at the batsmen, the batting team conversation must be like “Damn it I am not facing him anymore. Bugger is bowling bouncers after bouncers. I have an add shoot tomorrow for a fairness cream. Can’t afford to have a broken nose. I’ll sneak in a leg bye and you face him.” “Fuck you. I have never faced a delivery faster than 120 kph. I am unable to spot his deliveries from the non-striker’s end. You think I’ll be able to see his deliveries when batting. I have a hot date tonight. Can’t afford to get hit in the balls. Fuck yeah let’s just get out and sit in the dugout. Much safer there.” Point is that it’s a waste. We understand it’s yet another gimmick to get as many advertisements as possible in a game but please shoot it. Right in the head.
4) Celebrity Interviews:
First things first, ANU MALIK IS NOT A CELEBRITY. Not in this universe, not in any of the thousand universes of Sheldon Cooper’s multiverse. Even if he is one for Archana Vijaya and Sameer Kochar then also we don’t want to know why he wears a shit colored t-shirt in every match. We don’t want to listen to his doggerel on Rohit Sharma during innings break; we want to watch the glimpses of Rohit’s innings instead. When David Warner is in full flow, we are not interested in why Chitrangada Singh is supporting Deccan in spite of being a Delhi girl. When KP is in full flow we don’t care how Nargis Fakhri fell in love with Delhi. We just don’t. If we were interested in all that we would have tuned into Zoom TV but we have not so please do not shove them down our throats.
5) Set Max:
A deejay and dancing girls in the studio. Was not Sidhu’s sidhuism enough to torture the viewers that you got him dancing as well? Set Max’s sports quotient bankruptcy was not just evident inside the studios. On field, even before the ball crosses the boundary rope, the camera zooms onto Preity Zinta or Shahrukh Khan to capture their celebrations or despair. In a 5 hour telecast of a 3 hour match, 4 hours are spent on stuff that has nothing to do with cricket. In the finals, Set Max got all its commentators dressed up as if, in words of my friend’s friend, all of them were supposed to give a performance on “bole chudiya, bole kangana” after the match.
Post-match celebration of Set Max almost made its viewers believe that SRK was the man of the match and not Bisla. Bisla, if you guys have forgotten was the MoM in the IPL finals. What? You did not see him celebrating after the match. No one did. Set max was too busy covering SRK’s exposed nipple.
Well we could not have expected much from a movie channel and unfortunately we will have to bear it for 5 more years. But I still hope that BCCI uses its muscle and somehow snatches away the contract from Set Max and gives it to some sports channel. I believe I am getting too optimistic. For all we know, BCCI might give it to FTV if it bids highest for the telecast rights.
