On December 16th, 5 days before the world was supposed to come to an end, a gruesome incident took place inside a moving bus on the roads of New Delhi. The incident while tragic, served as an eye opener for people like me. No it did not open my eyes to the appalling condition of law and order (or lack of it) in our national capital. I was pretty much aware of it but was living in a denial. I mean it is the city where I was born and brought up so it was not easy for me to accept its ugly reality. However the incident did open my eyes to the nonexistent brains of our elected representatives, our moral and cultural “thekedaars” and our self proclaimed “babas”. And what did I discover when I wandered through the labyrinth of their brains; different kinds of rapes. As you know I find preparing a list very amusing so I prepared a list of different kinds of rapes, as per our political, cultural and spiritual leaders. Here it goes:
1) Chowmein Rape: This rape was first discovered by Jitender Chhatar, a leader of Chhatar village’s khap Panchayat in Jind, Haryana. As per the observation of this self studied esteemed biologist, the spices in chowmein disrupt the hormonal balance in our body and thus cause the men to rape women. Considering this important discovery, I would suggest GOI to ban chowmein in India. Or at least issue notice to all restaurants and street vendors to put a statuary warning on their menus besides chowmein stating “Consumption of chowmein causes rapes”, just like we have on cigarettes packs.
2) Rarest of Rare Rape: This rape was introduced by our honorable home minister Mr. Sushil Kumar Shinde. He has not yet given details about what constitutes a rarest of rare rape but has assured janta that rape laws will be amended to give the accused a death penalty in the rarest of rare rape cases. Last heard a panel of doctors and lawyers was working with the home ministry to lay down guidelines defining the rarest of rare rape.
3) Freedom at Midnight Rape: Inspired by the speech given by our first prime minister, the president of Andhra Pradesh Congress Committee, Botsa Satyanarayan came up with freedom at midnight rape. He asks us, “Just because India got freedom at midnight, is it necessary for women to move on the streets at midnight?” I agree Mr Botsa. We can either give freedom to our men to rape at midnight or freedom to our women to move on streets at midnight. Since we have already given the former, there is no scope for the latter. The women of this country should not misuse the independence of this country or the timing of the independence of this country.
4) Lakshman Rekha Crossed Rape: Watching Congress giving valuable contributions in the field of rapiology, BJP was bound to move into action. Being a pro Hindutva party they drew inspiration from Hindu mythology and one of their Madhya Pradesh ministers Kailash Vijayvargiya came up with Laksman Rekha crossed rape. Citing the kidnapping of Sita, he emphasized on the importance of Lakshman Rekha that has been drawn for the women in our country. As expected, he was unable to define the Lakshman Rekha but was quick to warn women on facing consequences, as severe as getting raped by the Ravana, on crossing it. He however had no suggestions or warnings to give to the Ravana sitting on the other side of the Lakshman Rekha.
5) India not Bharat Rape: Moving on the same lines as BJP’s, its parent body RSS, after doing some home based research, gave us the India not Bharat rape. RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat, showing a middle finger to all the stats and surveys conducted over the years on the apathy of women in rural India, proudly declared that all the rapes occur in India (urban areas) and not in Bharat (rural areas). By saying so RSS also completely detached itself from anything wrong happening to the women in India as it is purely a Bhartiya party. Unless of course India decides to surrender to Bharat and accepts to be a part of Bharat. Until then, Indians, you are on your own and RSS won’t turn up for your help. RSS chief’s views were further supported by SP MLA Abu Azmi, thus showcasing and strengthening the secular fabric of Bharat which ironically RSS does not find too impressive and amusing. And yeah in case you are wondering, Owaisi’s speech clearly happened in India and not in Bharat.
6) Understandable Rape: Encouraged by daddy RSS, BJP’s some more scholarly brains decided to come up front and showcase their knowledge in the rape theory. One such thoughtful BJP MP Ramesh Bias gave us the understandable rape. He finds raping of infants and minors utterly abhorrent and repugnant but raping of “grown-ups” imaginable and understandable. Now we know what MP sahib imagines in his free time which is basically his time sitting in parliament. I wonder what we will get when we will type R in the Google search bar on his smart phone which he carries to the parliament. I also wonder what he’d be saying to his daughter (I hope he does not have any) when she completes 18 years.
7) Single hand can’t clap rape: To come up with a new kind that beats all the above kinds, one has to be intellectually and spiritually enhanced and upgraded. So not surprisingly, Sant Shri Asaram bapu Ji, the self proclaimed godman and the spiritual leader of millions of Indians, came up with Single Hand Can’t Clap rape. A rape kind which is a universal set of all the other rape kinds. As per Bapu Ji, irrespective of the eating habits of the accused, location of the rape, the age of victim or the schedule of her recreational activities, all rapes occur because the women help rapists in raping them by not calling them bhaiya and by not asking for mercy. His solution to the rape problem in India (not Bharat as it does not have any such problem) was just one word (like his solutions to all the other problems in world). Bhaiyya. Compliment it with the jaap of Gayantri mantra in the morning and voila, you become immune to rape for eternity.
Until recently I only thought of rape as an awful, detestable, loathsome, atrocious, contemptible, cursed, beastly, despicable, heinous, hellish, disgusting, hateful, rotten, vile, horrible, horrid, repulsive, revolting, offensive, repellent, reprehensible, and wretched (I run out of words to describe it) act whose perpetrator must not be allowed to live. But thanks to a few great minds, I have realized that rape is a lot more than what I thought and there are many facets to it. Well I am still unable to comprehend all the rape gyaan that has been flowing around and am still lost in the different kinds of rapes. Meanwhile a woman gets gang raped in Punjab. I am not sure what kind it was. Maybe you guys can figure out.
